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Bring Me The Horizon: There is a hell, believe me I've seen it. There is a heaven, let's keep it a secret

12/10/10  ||  Lord K Philipson

“THIS CD IS WATERMARKED AND IS MATCHED TO EACH RECIPIENT! We appreciate your support and interest in our artist and their music, please respect this artist’s work by keeping this CD safe and not allowing other people access to it either physically or digitally.”

Some time ago I started out a review pretty much exactly like that. It felt good so I decided to do it again. I love these silly little half-CDR’s that labels tend to send these days. Information consists of a xeroxed bullshit note with nothing but the band name, tracklisting, album title and most importantly: this shit about the CD being watermarked, meaning if I give it to someone – E.T. will return from space on his fucken bicycle, track me the fuck down and ass-rape me with a caterpillar. Vaseline not included. Alien-style sex FTW!

Do not sweat it, dear record label. I wouldn’t give this disc to anyone. I will do my best to actually destroy it like Chuck Liddell used to destroy Tito “The Huntington Beach Cry Baby” Ortiz back in the day. Hell no, I won’t spread it. It’s my duty to keep all of this American Plague Metal away from the public. Yeah, I know – Bring Me The Whore Ass, Son is not from the US, they are a bunch of filthy carriers of bad teeth hailing from the U.K. It doesn’t fucken help them one bit though.

This is garbage.

I don’t think there’s one genre I despise more than this one (I lump it together with the New Wave Of American Plague Metal, just becoz I can). A band that is fucken non-metal, pretending to be metal without actually having the slightest idea about metal at all – that’s this band.

Absolutely repulsive.

And look at that fucken album title. What kind of bullshit is that, really? If you are trying to be pretentious, at least fucken try to come up with something worthwhile instead of this absolutely ridiculous crap. “There is a hell, believe me I’ve seen it. There is a heaven, let’s keep it a secret”. I mean, seriously… I can come up with at least three better titles in 2 seconds. Don’t believe me? Trust me, I’ve seen it, but let’s keep it a secret, ok? Just hear me out:

1. “Cock’n‘balls in all of yo’ mouths (believe me, you’ll see it)”

2. “Gargle this semen (but keep it a secret from your parents, they would go apeshit if they see it)”

3. “I can eat ass 24/7 (if you can believe it I will keep it a secret and then you will see it)”

There you go. 3 titles in less than 2 seconds, all of which pisses on the one these retards went for in the end. Guys, seriously… Fuck you. Fuck you for existing.

Yeah, so I won’t take up any more of your time – I know you give as little of a fuck about this band as I do. If you even made it this far into the review I applaud you. You have given these idiots all the attention they deserve. You now know to stay away from this shit, and hopefully bands and labels around the world will understand that we are not really supporters of plague metal. This disease needs no cure. It needs to die and it needs to be erased from the map of metal.

Here’s to hoping we never get to hear another word about these fuck-whistles ever again. Just look at them sorry bastards:

Fag convention in the U.K.

Just fucken die already.

2

  • Information
  • Released: 2010
  • Label: Epitaph
  • Website: Bring Me The Horizon MySpace
  • Band
  • Oliver Sykes: vocals
  • Lee Malia: guitars
  • Jona Weinhofen: guitars
  • Matt Kean: bass
  • Matt Nicholls: drums
  • Tracklist
  • 01. Crucify me
  • 02. Anthem
  • 03. It never ends
  • 04. Fuck
  • 05. Don’t go
  • 06. Home sweet hole
  • 07. Alligator blood
  • 08. Visions
  • 09. Blacklist
  • 10. Memorial
  • 11. Blessed with a curse
  • 12. The fox and the wolf

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